Originally written 2/6/2014
Behold…. The Asian Spoon.
This dining utensil is useful, durable and above all else — enigmatic. At once it is a fork, spoon and knife.
No one is quite sure where the tool originated. However, some speculate that the Jade Emperor dropped it from among his belonging when moving to the new Golden Palace. There’s no way to prove this, but it’s undoubtedly 100% true. Who else would be able to achieve this level of craftsmanship other than a mystical deity?
The spoon has been used in China since time immemorial but made its way to America via Chinese immigrants. Too long has this masterpiece been confined to the dining room of restaurants and Oriental kitchens. The goal of this blog article is to share the gifts of my people with the rest of the world. I might be endangering myself by putting out our precious cultural secrets, but damn it if I stay silent. Just like my brother who introduced Srirachi to the main stream, so too will I sacrifice myself for the greater good.
The Asian spoon is generally made of porcelain or ceramic, but there are certain models said to be cast from elephant tusks (sources needed). Similar to the Western model, the spoon has a handle that connects to a recessed basin. That’s where the similarities end. The Asian Spoon possesses higher walls to prevent its contents from leaking off the sides. In addition, the bottom is flat so that no liquid will converge at the center. This allows for more evenly distributed soup. Other-worldly levels of genius at play here. The larger serving size of the Asian Spoon allows for portion variability and more overall satisfaction per bite. Food was meant to be enjoyed…. and also to be eaten with an Asian Spoon.
In fact, the Spoon’s serving area is so great that one could argue that each spoonful is a mini-meal in itself. With the right scooping technique from a seasoned master, every bite should offer a unique culinary experience.
Another core feature of the spoon would be its versatility. It can be used to scoop food/liquid like a spoon or pick it up like a fork. Additionally, due to it’s thickness and strength of composition, the spoon’s edge doubles as a knife. I have carefully honed my cutting skills with the spoon for years, and let me tell you; utilized properly, the cutting ability is on par with a custom-cast Hitori Hanzo blade.
The spoon is traditionally colored white, but I’ve seen black ones, red ones, blue ones and even a few colors that don’t exist on the color spectrum… yet. How much would you expect to pay for something like this? $100? $250? ¥3,867,841.64? Would you believe me if I told you that you can own your very own Asian Spoon for less than $1? Yes, dear reader; this marvel of engineering has been sitting in the bargain bin of your local Oriental grocery store for decades.
So what are you waiting for? You can change your life today. Get this spoon and show your friends that “YES. I AM A WINNER! I am not afraid to be classy, witty, charming, eloquent, extremely hungry and to have great hair.” The choice is yours.
Alas, I can no longer go on about this most venerable apparatus of my people. The ASPS (Asian Secret Protection Society) has pin-pointed my location and in no time, an elite death squad should be at my doorstep to silence my chatter for good. I have no regrets so long as you, the reader, take my lessons and share them with the world! The Asian Spoon deserves to be enjoyed by everyone. You have the knowledge to make it happen.